The Internet Is A Wonderfully Illogical Place
by vulcanprodigy
Summary: The Enterprise crew finds Twitter. Spock is not okay.
1. Chapter 1 - The Discovery

_A huge thank you to my wonderful beta Ruth (lydiacries on tumblr, go follow her). This is my first fic but I'm working on a big huge fic which will start uploading in a couple of weeks, probably (I want to get ahead with chapters first)._  
_Thanks for reading, I hope you like it :)_  
_Second and final chapter will be here by the end of the week! ~~~ My work is also on AO3 under the same name._

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"Keptin, take a look at zis!" came the awe-filled voice of Chekov.

Kirk ran his fingers through his golden hair and sauntered over to where Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty were crowded around a single PADD.

"What is it?" he yawned. It was their down time before Gamma shift, and he wanted to sleep. Desperately. The only reason he was in the recreation room and not continuously hitting the snooze button in his own quarters right then was because he had stayed late into the Ceta shift and simply didn't have the time.

"It's a...," started Sulu and turned to Chekov with furrowed eyebrows. "What did you say it was called again?"

"A vebsite, sir. From ze 'Internet'."

"Tha's right Captain it's incredible. Han't been touched in o'er 150 years," added Scotty, slapping Chekov on the back in appreciation. "The lad's definitely a keeper, sir," he said, beaming at the sheepish-looking Ensign.

"It's nothink, really. All you hef to do is configure the internal annex of ze c-,"

"I'm sorry, I seem to be a little bit lost here," interrupted Kirk, rubbing his eyes. "I thought that the Internet became obsolete about a century ago."

"It has," Kirk jumped at the smooth, emotionless voice of his First Officer having just entered the room moments before. "Ever since the introduction of the online databases that are currently in use, there has been no need for the 'Internet'," he continued as he walked seamlessly over to the group. "But this is rather interesting, Ensign. Which web platform have you encountered?"

Chekov turned back to his PADD, squinting at the screen. "A vebsite with ze name 'Tvee-ter'."

"A website called what?" asked Kirk, momentarily unable to sort out the young crewmember's accent.

"Tvee-ter, sir."

"I think he's trying to say Twitter," offered Sulu, giving an encouraging nudge to his friend.  
"Awesome, what was it for?" asked Kirk.

"It vas a 'social netvorking' site where people vent to… share zeir thoughts I guess."

Obviously the actual purpose of this website is a bit unclear, but nevertheless, it was an amazing discovery. Here was an opportunity to peek into their ancestor's recorded thoughts and feelings, completely untouched for over one hundred and fifty years. Kirk noticed that Spock must have been having a similar revelation as he was leaning in, curiosity piqued. He wondered what the humans of one and a half centuries had to say...

"'My thoughts are avocados I cannot fathom into guacamole'."

Kirk's head snapped towards Spock so fast, he's fairly certain he heard something crack.

Scotty, having recovered first, shifted uncomfortably in his chair but nevertheless ventured forward, "Would you...would you care to repeat tha, Commander?"

"Fascinating," Spock breathed.

"Sir?"

"Utterly... fascinating."

Kirk, realizing that his first officer, his Vulcan first officer, was just reading from the PADD and hasn't in fact finally lost his mind, relaxed.

Spock swiftly collected himself and turned to the gobsmacked ensign. Though at this point they've all realized that those... unusual string of words weren't concocted by Spock, it was still quite shocking to hear him say something like... well, that. If Kirk was honest with himself he'd say it was worth it just for the 'guacamole'.

"Mr. Chekov, are you able to repeat the procedure?"

"Yes, Commander. May I ask-"

"Then I request the same configuration for mine," said Spock, cutting him off. Then, with his hands neatly folded behind his back, he departed deep in thought.

"Well that was interesting," said Kirk after a moment of silence, "But I have to go. Gamma shift starts in 5 and I still want to drop by the cafeteria to replicate a coffee." He briefly wondered if he could hack the machine to give him double the recommended amount of caffeine. He exited the room mentally kicking himself for working overtime so much.

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_Constructive feedback (or any feedback at all) would be appreciated! :)_


	2. Chapter 2 - Simply Illogical

_I know I said this will be the second and final chapter, but I have a couple things left to do so it'll be a three-parter. It's done already, I just need my awesome beta to look it over. So yeah that should be up today :) Thank you for reading!_

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It was 6 minutes after the end of the Gamma shift, and Jim Kirk was finally heading back to his quarters to get some well-deserved and long overdue rest.

At least, that was the plan.

See, what he didn't take into account was the long legged Vulcan standing ramrod straight in front of his door.

"Spock?" he edged closer, "Are you alright?"

"I am…" he trailed off, not meeting his eyes. He hung his head. "I am not."

"What happened?" asked Kirk, punching in the code, his eyes trained on Spock. He was not going to have his first potentially emotion-inducing conversation with Spock in a hallway. The door hissed open and he motioned for Spock to follow him inside.

Once they were safely in the privacy of his quarters, Spock visibly relaxed. Afraid that another direct question might spook the clearly distraught Vulcan, Kirk waited with uncharacteristic patience for him to continue while he plopped down on his bed.

Spock was doing what could be considered as the Vulcan equivalent of pacing, walking back and forth in his usual calm, professional manner. Kirk began wondering when he had started noticing Spock's slips in demeanor, when the Vulcan came to an abrupt stop and turned to him.

"It is illogical, Captain."

If Kirk has ever seen his First Officer positively _distressed_, it was in that moment. Unable to hold back a slight chuckle, Kirk tried to compose himself.

"Care to elaborate on what 'it' is?" he asked.

Then something strange happened. It was evident that Spock was attempting to school his face into the usual serene mask, but something seemed to have gone wrong. Looking slightly constipated, Spock's eye twitched as he tried harder and harder to gain some semblance of composure. The phrase "short-circuiting" came to Kirk's mind, but before he could reach out and try to calm down his FO, Spock _let out an exasperated sigh_ and sat down next to him, taking a PADD out from freakin' nowhere.

"'Smile. You'll feel better. Smile wider. You'll feel much better. Pull back skin and expose your grinning skull. See how much better you feel?'"

For the second time in a single day, Kirk was absolutely speechless. Even though this time he knew Spock was reading from his PADD, nothing could have prepared him for hearing these words come out of Spock's mouth.

"Spock, what the f- where the hell- what?"

"Captain it is not logical. I do not understand- I do not, I do not know," he slumped slightly, looking as dejected as a Vulcan could. He looked up at Kirk. "What is a Night Vale?"

"What is a what? Give me that," he said, snatching the PADD out of Spock's hands. "Whoa wait a second, Night Vale? Spock, remember the WtNV movement in the early 2020's? These guys are responsible for a huge surge in racial and sexual acceptance in the early 21st century. You know what you just _found_? Spock, you just found the beginnings of one of the biggest social awareness movement in _history_. This is amazing, man, I can't believe you found this." He kept scrolling through various so-called "tweets", until he felt Spock's eyes burning holes into the side of his head.

"What, Spock? What's wrong?"

Taking in a controlled breath, Spock looked up at his commanding officer.

"Do you... _Captain_, not realize the... the complete irrationality of 96.2% of these statements, not including the ones for promotional purposes?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"I am very much aware of the fact that up until approximately 2067 the human race was not nearly as reasonable or understanding as they are now, but this exceeds every one of my previous notions. I cannot comprehend the extent of human lack of logic and purpose in these statements. What I am asking, Captain, is what compelled the humans of one hundred and fifty years ago to create such… thoughts and choose to express them in a public sphere?"

"Spock, it's just for fun. It's really no big deal." He looked at him. "Why do you have your panties in such a twist over a couple harmless chirps or tweets or whatever? You already knew that us humans are 'simply illogical', right? So why do you let this affect you so much?"

Blinking incomprehensibly, Spock was silent for a long moment. Then, quite abruptly, he stood up with his fingertips glued together as they usually are when Spock is in a pensive mood.

"Perhaps it is difficult for me to accept my relation to a species capable of such… _unusual_ behaviour that does not include violence. In the very least, there is tangible evidence of the causes of violent behaviours such as the outbreak of wars that can be related to biological, sociocultural, and cognitive functions in human beings. Behind these actions, however… I find no such cause."

"And that upsets you."

"It is… disconcerting."

"So it upsets you."

"...Yes," he conceded.

"I understand," said Kirk airily, "But I won't let you be ashamed of who you are, even if it's technically only half of you." He picked Spock's PADD and started scrolling.


	3. Chapter 3 - Minty Gum

_Alright, so this is the last chapter. For real this time. Enjoy :)_

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"That's it, I give up. I don't know what the hell was wrong with these people, but I just can't take it anymore," Kirk said.

"To which of these statements are you referring, Captain?"

"All of them! Spock, I don't blame you for not wanting to honor your human heritage anymore. Did some people from _two thousand fucking fourteen_ really think that Earth was actually 2014 years old? I don't believe it."

"I concur, though the evidence is in front of our eyes."

"Wait, what does this one say?" Kirk leaned in closer to the PADD, squinting.

"I believe it says, in capital lettering, '_Do not put minty gum on your nipple. I repeat, do not put minty gum on your nipple_'," Spock looked up. "Captain..."

"Spock, would you please just call me Jim? We're off duty, not mention in my private quarters. Besides, after everything we've been through today… all the horrors we've seen…" he shuddered. "Anyway. What is it, Spock?"

"What would compel a human to allocate 'minty gum' on one's teat?"

"Okay, do me a favor and never say 'teat' again. Please." He shifted. "And I don't know, man. I don't have a fucking clue." Kirk looked back at the screen. "...Is that a continuation?"

They huddled closer together to read the rest of the post.

"Oh my god, somebody else tried it. I can't actually believe more than one person did this. I just can't. '_Do not put minty gum on your nipple unless you want to experience satan licking your nipple then a dragon breathing fire on it_'. Shit," Kirk said, running his fingers through his hair. "Okay, so the people of the past, at least on this website or whatever, weren't exactly the most… I don't even know how to put this."

"Cap- Jim, I believe the viewing of these 'tweets' has been sufficient for today."

"I think so, too. I just read another one asking whether twins take eighteen months to be born instead of nine." He handed Spock's PADD back.

"Fascinating."

"I'd rather go with 'fucked up'," he answered as he stood up. "But I gotta admit, it was actually quite funny. But I guess you wouldn't know about that, would you Spock?" he said with a sly grin.

"You are correct. Vulcans do not have, in Earth vernacular, 'a sense of humour'." He started towards the door.

"Of course not," answered Kirk, rolling his eyes. "See you later," he said to Spock's retreating back. At least the guy relaxed after he saw that even _Kirk_ found these… things illogical as well. Kirk chuckled to himself as he headed to his bathroom. Then, he remembered something.

About two months back, his mother Winona had sent him a package of vintage Earth goods. And if he remembered correctly… yes, there was a pack of 'gum' in there. Minty gum.

Fifteen minutes and two sonic showers later, he decided that this was one of those experiences that he would refrain from sharing with anybody. Ever.

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_Aaaand that was the end of my first fic. Thank you so much for reading, and as always, feedback is appreciated very very much. Keep an eye out for my next one, a big Spirk fic called Adsitus (it means Planted in latin. you'll see). :) Also a huge thank you for my beta awesome Ruth (lydiacries on tumblr). My stuff is on AO3 under vulcanprodigy aswell._


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